Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Ten Catmmandments!

Catmmandment # 1
The World is a Cat's Oyster

Cats own it all.
People. Places. Possessions.
In short, everything!.

What humans think they own, is, only due to the kind graces of the cat/s they serve.

Catmmandment # 2
Cats, being the more intelligent species, are born to rule.

As all cats know, there exists an inverse co-relation between altitude and brain power.
The higher the grey cells from ground level, the lesser its effectiveness!!!

So, now you know, why human slaves so easily controlled by a crook of the claw?

Catmmandment # 3
Humans, though the high priests of the feline religion, are still slaves.

Every cat is the un-anointed representative of Gods on Earth.
They, therefore, do not socialise with lesser life forms.
Including their human slaves, no matter how endearing they may seem.
Or, how much they grovel.

The purpose of every human life form is to serve cats.
It falls to the human slaves to feed, groom, protect, to tend to, and, indulge felines in all their eccentricities.

A good human slave eventually attains Nirvana, and, becomes a cat companion in the
Rainbow Bridge. While, the human oddball who professes dislike, and, even hatred, of the feline race is cursed to an eternity of cleaning cat poop!

Catmmandment # 4
All other life forms - dogs, birds, creepy crawlies, rats - have only two purposes in life.
And, nourishment.

A corollary to the Third Catmmandment, this commandment reinforces the need for cats to refrain from socialising from lesser life forms.

Catmmandment # 5
Cleanliness is next to Feliness.

Every cat must groom herself/himself atleast 5 times a day.
Regular grooming not only sets a good precedent for slaves, and, other inferior life forms, but, it also offers a convenient way of saving face.
Say, when a cat chances to slip off the sofa.
Or, is startled suddenly.
Or, horror of horrors, may have let a stinky rat slip through, to freedom.

Catmmandment # 6
Catnaps -A feline's secret weapon to world domination.

Cat's don't nap.
They meditate.
On taking over the world,.
On further taming their human slaves.
And, about exterminating, or, enslaving, all other life forms.

Catmmandment # 7
One World. One Language.

Referring back to the second Catmmandment, the mental prowess of the human slaves is limited.
It, therefore, falls to the cats to simplify the common unifying language to a single syllable.

Miaow, depending on the intonation, can be used to communicate a gamut of instructions, ranging from 'Leave Me Alone, Bald Face' to ' Come To Momma, Little Birdie' to ' Got Milk?'

In situations of urgency, a rapid sequence of Miaows can be used for action oriented communication.

Catmmandment # 8
Occasionally, practise kindness to dumb creatures

Every now and then, throw a bone of feline kindness at your slaves.
Acts of kindness can be a perfunctory grooming session.
A nap on an available lap.
Indulging the slave in a short game of catch.
Or, offering the remains of a decapitated little rodent, or, birdie.

Catmmandment # 9
Furniture was born to be scratched.

It is the responsibility of every feline to help furniture, regardless of size and pedigree,to fulfil its destiny on earth and attain furniture nirvana.
And, yes, cushions, books, papers, bed covers, and clothes left about on chairs, beds or tables also fall within the purview of furniture.

Catmmandment # 10
Exert The Iron Fist in the Furry Paw

A cat is the lord and master of the house.
No one, and that really means no one, will take precedence over him, nor, will he be ignored.

To test and monitor obedience levels in their slaves, every cat must have a programme designed to provoke reactions from her slaves, and, test their love and devotion to the feline species. The programme must be extreme and can include random acts of aggression, eating of plants, spraying in the house, mountaineering on a slave leg, ignoring the fawning human slave, scratching , biting, and, cat walking over the sleeping slaves in the dead of the night.


The Survivor said...

This was quite an insight in the world of cats.

BTW, how many cats do you think read about this? :)

The Mad Alpha Moggie said...

he he Survivor, refer back to Catmmandment 3.....Cats are Gods and they are born knowing the Catmmandments..

@lankr1ta said...

Amen to those, rather A-cat! I need to get these carved above my mantlepiece- my feline overlord will approve

The Mad Alpha Moggie said...

Yay, finally an Ally!!!
:) :)