Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Alpha Martians Vs. The Corporate Amazon...

Normally, home truths about humanity dawn on me at the most mundane of moments...When I am lounging about in a blue pool..or ambling along without a care in my heart. However, this time, departing from the routine, enlightenment struck at a corporate meeting....And my discovery? The Alpha Martians.

The Alpha Martians are no near extinct species I chanced to stumble upon. They are everywhere...Airports, Pubs, Theatres, on Trains, Orkut, Face Book...In short, everywhere! They proudly trace their bloodline to Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan or at the very least, to the marauding vikings of yore. And they make no bones about wanting to following in the footsteps of their adventure seeking ancestors, by transforming myriad spaces in the modern world into long forgotten battle grounds. Some do so with great forethought and careful planning while others sally forth fueled by adrenaline alone.
At first glance, they can pass off as mere martians but not for long. For you see, the Hun Gene plays second fiddle to none.
As I discovered this morning when a group of martians transformed before my eyes into Alphas of the whimsical kind. It was with a thumping heart that I walked into the meeting room. Bringing a group of martians around to the Venusian point of view is, without doubt, a herculean task. And one which I do not always relish. It calls for master cunning, strategy and a whole load of snicker bars!!!
My entry into the male bastion was noted with interest mingled with speculation. Eyes gleamed rapaciously..... Not at my comely form as I would have liked to flatter myself, but at the prospect of a fresh conquest and the opportunity to show off the martian mental prowess.
" So we have this exhibition coming up and I think its time we sat down to work out a master plan...You know the litera....."
As I opened the discussion, I could almost hear the testosterone addled brains whirring into action. And I had barely progressed past my first sentence when they pounced upon me like a pack of ebullient puppy dogs on a big juicy bone.
" Oh yeah, you should send me a profile so that I can fill up some paperwork for the event..."
" We should get Cd's......maybe a TV screen where we can play a video..."
Without doubt, the hi decibel ideas which were whizzing all over the room were meant to intimidate...As was the pack attack. But the corporate amazon in me remained unfazed. " As I was saying, we should discuss ideas from which we can create a master plan..set deadlines and work systematically.....we need to identify the literature, products to be displayed, the branding for us and our partners,......"
" Oh, that's all easy....we are in a recession, so obviously there won't be a big budget. You can use the back of our neighbour's stall as a wall, put up posters, use some of the existing furniture to display the products...we can check with our partners if they have knock down kits which we can borrow and integrate into our stall...."
As I gaped in astonishment, the alphas plunged on, unmindful of the lone Venusian ranger in their midst.
Strangely enough, I was reminded of my trysts with the Indian breads, especially the part which requires me to knead the dough into putty. I hate kneading dough!!! The task is sticky, tough and my tussle with the stubborn dough almost always exhausts my muscles and extracts the choicest of cuss words from my lips. And here I was experiencing a similar situation with the alpha martians. The question was how would I pound them into putty? As I pondered over my options, my gaze fell upon a rather senior member of the team who seemed absorbed in his work, oblivious to the raucous discussion around him. The weak link I was so desperately looking for!!
" Listen all of you" My strident tone had the desired effect. Attack is indeed the best form of defence and all the more so when it is unexpected. Conversations stop. A few eyes bulge. " This is not purpose of the meeting. I don't need ideas on execution. I am more interested in the expectations of this group is as well as that of your associates, so that we have an event which satisfies everyone. So I want to know a) what literature to print b) products to be displayed c) what would our partners want to see at the event......"
" Our partners have given us a carte blanche as far as the displays and designs go..."
" But have we asked them for opinions?" The silence spoke volumes. And I went in for the kill. "He..." I waved my hand at the quiet martian " He will tell you how embarrassing a situation your boss is going to have on his hand on the opening day if we were to follow the suggestions just given...and even worse, when he has to explain the pathetic show to your unhappy associates..." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the weak link nod sagaciously. ".....And given the fact that we are in the middle of a recession, there is no saying what the consequences would be..."
As I ended on an ominous note, I could see the Alpha pack flatten their ears in a conciliatory gesture.
" Well, maybe we are not quite ready for the meeting....perhaps we should meet in a days time by when we can collect the information required...."
As I graciously sailed out of the room, I could hear them enthusiastically allocate tasks to one another and then commence arguements about it.....
* big broad grin*


Ganga Dhanesh said...

Lovely post! Have your colleagues read it yet? Putty...loved the analogy of kneading dough :)

Miaow!!! said...

Ganga, Did the vikings stop to ask for directions???
Most of my colleagues dont read my blog...Not sure if they know I blog in the first place...
:) :)

Roopa said...

i loved the simile really brought out a laugh :D! God forbid any huns or vikings read this ;)