An Affair Not To Remember?

The times....they are a changing!

Gone are the days, when men like Romeo and Devdas either died, or drank themselves to destruction to forget the pangs of a love lost.

At the movies this afternoon, a friend and I watched with aching hearts as the hero's friend broke his pensive contemplation of his drink, to hold aloft a diamond ring before mournfully informing his friend that his girlfriend had not only rejected his proposal, but had also dumped him.

As we blinked back the early prickles of salty tears at the back of our eyes, we were surprised to hear scattered laughter in the theatre. Despite the darkness, we could not help exchanging bewildered glances.

" People are laughing???" Every syllable of mine, resonated with consternation and indignation.

"New age wisdom, I suppose?" She hissed back at me, sarcasm writ all over her words .

And, we turned our attention back to the silver screen, expecting the hero to console his friend in the time honoured manner of Hindi movies. With sympathy, liquor and maybe, even a song and a dance.

Well, we were in for a disappointment.

For, on the large screen, the hero gleefully gurgled " I told you so..", amidst paroxysms of laughter.
And, the heart broken lover concurred " You told me so", with equal gay abandon.

" You are such a fool..."
They were, by now, rolling around, clutching their sides, barely able to contain their tears of mirth.
" I am such a fool...."

As the duo chortled away the last wisps of tragic romance out of the theatre, the two disillusioned romantics slumped into their seats, grateful for the anonymity of the darkness, as they manfully tried to join in the laughter that now echoed around them.

New Age Wisdom?
The Age of Cynicism?
Or, The End of Tragic Romance as we knew it?

No Man's Land

It was a cataclysmic morning in the Moggie Household.
After a lazy Sunday at home, the moggies were all tanked up on energy. And to add fuel to fire, we had all woken up this morning with frayed tempers and the proverbial Monday morning blues. The stage was set for fireworks and in no time, Dsk and I were engaged in a war of words. Outside in the back yard, Ging managed to clamber half-way up the mango tree and mewed furiously to be rescued.
Sadly, neither parent obliged and eventually, kitty learnt a much needed lesson in gravity.
The cat who came down the tree looked and rumbled like a little thunder cloud. Pretty much like her muttering mom who fixed herself a steaming hot cuppa and plonked herself in front of the laptop in search of a sympathetic shoulder.
As kitty and I sat glowering, Vin, an old friend from home, pinged me on MSN. She was obviously trying to unwind at the end of a hard day's work while I was huffing and puffing in indignation before mine had even begun. Either way, the stage was set for a heated Venusian heart-to-heart on martian foibles.
A good half hour of venting was all it took to open the flood gates and get our creative juices gushing forth at full force.
" You know Vin, we should found a little town or village or whatever for women only...No men allowed..."
" Yeah sure..count me in Rekz...I am all for it"
" Maybe there already is some place like that...I think I will google..."
"Just think of it...a life without men...we could call it Emancipation Town!!!"
Obviously, Vin's sense of adventure remained quite untouched by time.
For a moment, a picture of her cherubic face with pursed pink lips and her lovely brown eyes aglow with excitement floated in front of me. How I wished I could have turned on the web cam to see her dear face after all these years. But the realisation that I sat, unwashed & unkempt, in my scruffy Green John Beer night shirt deterred me.
" It would be more like Happy Town for me!!!"
" Whatever the name may be, it does not matter."
At my end, I couldn't help but smile at her irrepressible spirits.
" I am sure there will be quite a few takers!!!"
" Yeah, well maybe we can even offer vacation packages for women...."
" You bet!!!"
" And no entry for women from our spouse's families?"
" Oh absolutely!!!"
A moment of companionable silence followed as both of us sat on our respective sides of the ocean, happily mulling over the thought of a world without spouses or in-laws. I was rather enjoying the visions in front of me, when I was rudely interrupted by a flash of green.
A singing quartet of winged green bucks!!! And they proceeded to merrily sing & jig all around me!!!
"Babes, we could make a lot of money, you know?"
" Absolutely"
" We could be rich!!!"
" And famous!!!"
" We need to recruit more eves to the cause.."
" You should blog about this..."
" Oh yes, I can, can't I?.." I had already begun to feverishly compose platitudes about our Utopia.
" Of course you should...we girls need all the laughs we can get...Just so that we survive..."
*deep long sigh*

The Alpha Martians Vs. The Corporate Amazon...

Normally, home truths about humanity dawn on me at the most mundane of moments...When I am lounging about in a blue pool..or ambling along without a care in my heart. However, this time, departing from the routine, enlightenment struck at a corporate meeting....And my discovery? The Alpha Martians.

The Alpha Martians are no near extinct species I chanced to stumble upon. They are everywhere...Airports, Pubs, Theatres, on Trains, Orkut, Face Book...In short, everywhere! They proudly trace their bloodline to Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan or at the very least, to the marauding vikings of yore. And they make no bones about wanting to following in the footsteps of their adventure seeking ancestors, by transforming myriad spaces in the modern world into long forgotten battle grounds. Some do so with great forethought and careful planning while others sally forth fueled by adrenaline alone.
At first glance, they can pass off as mere martians but not for long. For you see, the Hun Gene plays second fiddle to none.
As I discovered this morning when a group of martians transformed before my eyes into Alphas of the whimsical kind. It was with a thumping heart that I walked into the meeting room. Bringing a group of martians around to the Venusian point of view is, without doubt, a herculean task. And one which I do not always relish. It calls for master cunning, strategy and a whole load of snicker bars!!!
My entry into the male bastion was noted with interest mingled with speculation. Eyes gleamed rapaciously..... Not at my comely form as I would have liked to flatter myself, but at the prospect of a fresh conquest and the opportunity to show off the martian mental prowess.
" So we have this exhibition coming up and I think its time we sat down to work out a master plan...You know the litera....."
As I opened the discussion, I could almost hear the testosterone addled brains whirring into action. And I had barely progressed past my first sentence when they pounced upon me like a pack of ebullient puppy dogs on a big juicy bone.
" Oh yeah, you should send me a profile so that I can fill up some paperwork for the event..."
" We should get Cd's......maybe a TV screen where we can play a video..."
Without doubt, the hi decibel ideas which were whizzing all over the room were meant to intimidate...As was the pack attack. But the corporate amazon in me remained unfazed. " As I was saying, we should discuss ideas from which we can create a master plan..set deadlines and work systematically.....we need to identify the literature, products to be displayed, the branding for us and our partners,......"
" Oh, that's all easy....we are in a recession, so obviously there won't be a big budget. You can use the back of our neighbour's stall as a wall, put up posters, use some of the existing furniture to display the products...we can check with our partners if they have knock down kits which we can borrow and integrate into our stall...."
As I gaped in astonishment, the alphas plunged on, unmindful of the lone Venusian ranger in their midst.
Strangely enough, I was reminded of my trysts with the Indian breads, especially the part which requires me to knead the dough into putty. I hate kneading dough!!! The task is sticky, tough and my tussle with the stubborn dough almost always exhausts my muscles and extracts the choicest of cuss words from my lips. And here I was experiencing a similar situation with the alpha martians. The question was how would I pound them into putty? As I pondered over my options, my gaze fell upon a rather senior member of the team who seemed absorbed in his work, oblivious to the raucous discussion around him. The weak link I was so desperately looking for!!
" Listen all of you" My strident tone had the desired effect. Attack is indeed the best form of defence and all the more so when it is unexpected. Conversations stop. A few eyes bulge. " This is not purpose of the meeting. I don't need ideas on execution. I am more interested in the expectations of this group is as well as that of your associates, so that we have an event which satisfies everyone. So I want to know a) what literature to print b) products to be displayed c) what would our partners want to see at the event......"
" Our partners have given us a carte blanche as far as the displays and designs go..."
" But have we asked them for opinions?" The silence spoke volumes. And I went in for the kill. "He..." I waved my hand at the quiet martian " He will tell you how embarrassing a situation your boss is going to have on his hand on the opening day if we were to follow the suggestions just given...and even worse, when he has to explain the pathetic show to your unhappy associates..." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the weak link nod sagaciously. ".....And given the fact that we are in the middle of a recession, there is no saying what the consequences would be..."
As I ended on an ominous note, I could see the Alpha pack flatten their ears in a conciliatory gesture.
" Well, maybe we are not quite ready for the meeting....perhaps we should meet in a days time by when we can collect the information required...."
As I graciously sailed out of the room, I could hear them enthusiastically allocate tasks to one another and then commence arguements about it.....
* big broad grin*
Putty!!!

Honey, I've Shrunk My Hormones!!!

A friend of mine asked for help with his dissertation and since the topic was of particular interest to me, I readily agreed. My task was to identify and gather information from suitable respondents.
A piece of cake, I assured him and shot off a dozen odd ' Need An Urgent Favour' emails to friends, colleagues and family. Some responded within the hour. The others demanded compensation in the form of drinks over the weekend....A request I dodged with my usual craftiness.

All was going well. But when I took stock at lunch time, I realised that I had missed Pras - a trusted friend and a highly eligible candidate. So I shot off an email post-haste, followed by a sms for extra effect.
Sau sal jiyo [ may you live for 100 years]....I was just going through your mail...came the reply
But I don't want to live to a 100, I protested... 50 will do very well or even lesser, so that I can beat menopause.
I expected a sarcastic quip in response, but Pras being Pras, was a step ahead.
A truly understandable reason....Have you heard of Andropause?
Andropause????
Work screeched to a grinding halt as I racked my brains. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, a little goblin plucked out a nugget of information and gingerly offered it for approval.
The male equivalent of Menopause? I enquired tentatively
BINGO!!! beeped the message of approval
I stared at the screen bemusedly. Now, men had menopause?? What next? Periods??
Despite my outrage, my interest was piqued. Since time immemorial, Periods, Pregnancy, Menopause and all its attendant discomforts had been the exclusive domain of the fairer sex. Could the laws of nature be slowly but surely changing? And what could the male menopause experience be like, I wondered out aloud.
But instead of possibilities, images of the mature but still virile Al Pacino of 'The Scent of A Woman' & 'Devil's Advocate' fame flooded my mind. *sigh*
I shook my head clear and restarted my train of thought. This time, up popped a picture of the brooding Amitabh Bachan hankering after the young, nubile Jia Khan in Nishabhd. Isn't he the chappie who romanced the much younger Tabu in Cheeni Kum? whispered the goblin miner in my head. Yes indeed he was!!!.
It seemed that my little data miner had struck a mother lode, because names from the real world flew thick and fast at me....Rod Stewart, Mickey Rooney, Chevy Chase, Charlie Chaplin, Billy Bob Thornton and the leader of the pack, the Mormon Brigham Young...All prime examples of hale, hearty and testosterone rich fossils.
In the face of such overwhelming evidence as well as the fact that I had, all through my life, been surrounded by red blooded alpha males, the very idea of any man struggling in the throes of menopause seemed laughable.
That would have probably been the end of my musing, had not the voices in my head cried out loud "But What If???".... What if the goblin's examples were exceptions than the rule?..What if the average man was indeed prone to Andropause? ....Imagine the chaos if all the men in my life and I went menopausal at about the same time!!!
The thought sobered me...And I decided to fall back on my trusted friend, Google.
An hour later, I was convinced that testosterone levels did drop with age and that andropausal men were susceptible to osteoporosis, lethargy, mood swings and increased cardiac risks. However, while andropause did deserve a place under the sun, it most definitely did not merit a comparison to menopause.... Maybe P.M.S, but not menopause .
As I eagerly composed my opinions into a message for Pras, a familiar voice whispered quietly in my ear..."What about Michael Jackson?"...
*baffled stare at the goblin*
" What about him???.....Hey, hang on....You mean, he could have been born Andropausal???'
Now, that is a thought worth examining......

3 Men on an Elephant.

Life, these past many weeks, has been an insane roller coaster ride.... Tight deadlines, frayed tempers, long hours at work, endless cups of coffee,power games,cold chewy sandwiches, angry bosses.... It has been a situation which called for blood, sweat and buckets of tears!!!
But as the saying goes every dark cloud has a silver lining and in my case, it was the appearance of three visitors from Poland - M, C and R - , so christened to preserve their anonymity.

The trio, whom I also refered to as the Amigos, reminded me of a bunch of noisy jackdaws as they rattled away to each other in Polish and then, struggled to help one another translate the gist of their conversation for me. For you see, the amigos were not very fluent in English. But, after spending close to 3 months in India, both M nor R had thrown their inhibitions to the wind and were quite determined not to allow a mere trifle like language be a stumbling block to their socialising. A task which, unfortunately for them, had not been very easy because " In Indiiiiiiyaaaa, pipple speak English too fast...too fast...too different....!!!", as M plaintively informed me the morning we were introduced.
However, they didn't seem to have much of a problem understanding my speech and so, most days after work, the amigos would eagerly wait for me to put in an appearance and then, quickly pounce on me for conversation over endless mugs of tea, coke and some whiskey. I don't think their Polish-English Dictionary would have been thumbed all through their entire Indian sojourn as much as it had been this past week.
Now, I normally am not the most patient of persons when I am caught up with a project and socialising is the last thing on my mind at the end of a hard day at work. Or when I have homework to do. But the first evening I spent the with the Amigos proved to be so incredibly hilarious and their hospitality so warm, that I actually began to look forward to our noisy conversations.

Of the three, M was clearly the leader and the patriarch - a total riot..rambunctious...gregarious and very often the spokesperson for R & C. While at the other end of the spectrum towered R, who was the baby of the group -enthusiastic, incredibly puppy like and with a yen for Kung Fu, vampires, zombies and all such manner of horror and violence!!! R hates Hollywood movies because " They all haf happi endings...hero kill villans....marry heroine...lif hapili evr afta" but he actually downloads Bollywood movies which he finds amusing. And stuck somewhere in between was C, who must be the closer to my age and rather reticent although he did possess a wry sense of humour, which is often lit up our conversations like a sudden sun burst on a dark rainy day. C is a self proclaimed pessimist although he had no qualms about visiting India without medication for the famous "Delhi belly" and even worse, eating Pani Puri off the street carts. Now if I devote more space to C than the other two, it is simply because C inevitably comes up with the most outrageous ideas....Like wanting to carry away a giant Indian cockroach, a 4 inch bug, back to Poland. All my arguments of him being locked up for eternity in a dank polish prison as a suspected proponent of biological warfare fell on deaf ears and C blithely made me promise that if I were to stumble on a giant bug, I would faithfully bottle it as a gift for him. * violent shudder*
M, R & C had an opinion about everything they had encountered and experienced so far, from the mad Indian drivers & rogue Tuk-Tuk drivers to the soggy bread croutons in the spicy Tomato soup and other Indian food and of course, the trademark Indian 'Yes-No' head wobble. While they were more than willing to satiate my curiosity about Poland, they themselves had a gazillion questions about India, the people, customs and the pantheon of Gods and Goddesses we worship...which resulted in what I am sure will be some of the funniest conversations of my life.
" aaaah, excuse me...Reeeekha...I haf a qustion for u...sori, it is ..eh...personal...I ask?
The eager expressions on C's & R's faces made it abundantly clear that this question had been debated beforehand by the amigos.
" Ok...I will try to answer it"
" eerr, yesterda you wear deeffrent dresss...aaah...that is saree?"
" errr, yes...I went for a friend's engagement and so was wearing a sari"
But the amigos were not listening....for some reason, the discovery had excited them greatly because the three were jabbering away to each other in Polish.
" You have been in India for 3 months and you don't know what a sari is??"
" I am heere few days...I come Sunday....R & M here far 3 mondhss"
" Ahh, we see saree...but we no know it saree..my wife ask me " You Take peekture of butifuul womann in saaree"..But I know no if I haf"
" I buy saree to...eh...tak bak to Poland...I have gilfriend, sistar, 3 coosins, madher to gift...I show u....U see?"
R's enthusiasm takes me by surprise. While all the foreigners I have met in India so far, have most definitely been both, enchanted and intrigued by our national costume but I had, to date, not met anyone who purchased 6-7 at one shot!!! Visions of the women in R's family wrestling with their saris as they attempted to drape it around them in accordance to R's hand written instructions flit before me, bringing a smile to my lips!!! Needless to say, it is quickly suppressed as R walks back into the room with an armful of packages, which he dumps on the couch for me to inspect.
" But these are salwars....not sareee"
" This no sareee?.....wat u call?" *round eyes and mouth a wee bit ajar*
" No these are not saris...they are salwars...There is a long shirt top with a drawstring pant under and maybe a shawl"
" aaaaaahhh" R hastily scribbles down the name for future reference. I debate educating him on the finer nuances of the kurtas and pyjamas of our world - salwars, churis, punjabi pyjamas, short kurtis, long kurtas, anarkalis, kaleez, so on and so forth -but then decide to spare his grey cells!!!
" I buy saaree to tak bak wiz me to Poland.."
" Oh....for your wife or your friend, I guess"
* startled look* " nein, nein.....Faaar meeee....I wear Saaree in Poland" * delivered in a very emphatic tone*
Good Lord, C was a cross dresser????...For once, words failed me!!!....The amigos, esp C, must have noticed the look of absolute shock on my face because he hastened to explain
" I wantt saaareeee......mmmm....weeth trrouser undar....menn warr in Indyaa?" * expectant look* " I seeee...in Dalhi....Heesar....I seee" * note of defiance slowly creeps into voice*
I try to think of the politest way I can let him know that the only men I have seen in a sari were the hijras at the traffic signal!!! And they most definitely did not wear pants under ....But there was no way out because by then, R and M also are looking at me enquiringly awaiting enlightenment!!!
So this is how the now legendary preachers of yore must have felt when faced with their first prospective converts!!!
" err, in India, women wear saris...men wear dhotis which is tied waist down..the only men who wear saris are the transvestites and cross dressers....and well, maybe a traditional gay.... I really don't know"
And with that fell swoop, the chattering amigos were silenced!!! The silence which ensued was awkward and deafening!!!..To break it and the fact that there were three pairs of eyes in different shades of blue boring like gimlets through me, I hastily opened a magazine on the table to desperately search out the picture of a sari....But instead, I came across an advertisement for men's ethnic wear which C pounced on with unholy glee.
" thar thar...saaree far men..." * broad beaming smile*
I am so relieved that I cannot help laughing...
" That is not a sari...it is a sherwani...."
R dutifully jots that down as well, as C grins with self satisfaction...
" I war tat in Poland........Arabian shoes with curl" *gesticulates an extravagant curl for my benefit* " I buuy shoes also"
I just cannot help but smile at the picture C paints for me.
" ahh, we go to de zoo park tomorraw...you come? "
" Oh I am sorry M but I am meeting some friends for breakfast....I would have liked to but...."
" ohhhh, no problem....we go...I ride elefant...and take peekture....many in my phamily be envy" * broad toothy grin and smug satisfaction writ all over his face*
I just cannot help but beam back at M....How could I not at someone who so enjoys the small, simple things in life with childlike enthusiasm?....
M, R & C will remain etched in my memory for a very long time to come...for their warmth, their sense of adventure and the open minds with which they embraced India....
In fact, every time I hear the word Amigos, I know I am going to be assailed by visions of my three noisy kurta clad Polish friends merrily perched atop an elephant, clutching on to a bottled bug for dear life!!!

Pretty = Dumb???

A mid week evening out at an old Bangalore restaurant. I am in the midst of reviewing colours, pictures and designs with my designer friend Ranjit, when the phone buzzes urgently. A friend who is out at dinner demands that I call her and extricate her from an awkward situation. Earlier on, she had mentioned that a long time friend of hers, now a married man with a passel of brats to his credit, had all at once attained enlightenment and realised that she, my friend, was the love of his life. Not wanting to loose a good friend, she had agreed to meet him over dinner to let him down gently and send him back to his dutiful wife and family.

Now, I do not derive any pleasure in being a modern day Cassandra but there are times when the voices in my head are particularly insistent and are almost always right. I had warned her about the futility of her mission but had to bow in submission when confronted with impassioned pleas of wanting to save an old association. So I allowed her to recruit me to step in, if things did not go the way she envisaged it would. And now, this call right in the middle of a rather relaxed but productive evening.

In any case, I dutifully I called her. And within minutes, was on my way to rescue her from her ardent admirer.
Later on, curled on her couch with a glass of fine Merlot, I quiz her about her evening.
" So, what happened?"
" mmm...well, the evening started off fine..we spoke about work, the happenings in the world around us, family issues, politics at work and in the family...stuff like that...and then he got all nostalgic and started reminiscing about the good old times when he and I were single but not in love"
' And???'
"And then he went on to say that was the time he should have fallen in love with me and we should have hooked up to see if we worked as a couple...I tried telling him that it was a bad idea because we were way too demanding to have been compatible..But he wouldn't get off the topic or even listen!!! He says marriage is rather overrated, restrictive and that he was glad his wife didn't question him too much about his movements or his activities..And then he was trying to envision how life would have been if we had hooked up....Can you imagine?? I mean, he has no idea how miserable the two of us would have been if we had hooked up"
My friend is obviously rather distraught. But, I cannot hide a smirk.
My friend, though an adorable person, is not exactly wife material. So, for a moment, I couldn't help but wish that her admirer could have his dream come true for a day, just so that he could go back to his wife with greater gratitude and appreciation.
But the flood gates are now open and my rather amusing train of thought is arrested.
'I can't imagine how his wife allows him so much freedom. I just don't understand it. I mean she doesn't have half the brains or looks that I have....And yet, she doesn't mind..." Her indignant voice trails off into uncertainty...
And then lightening struck.... With a look of sheer horror, she asks " Do you think that just because I am good looking she, or anyone else for that matter, thinks I am brainless??? I mean there is so much of hype in India, about women having to be fair, good looking, demure and God knows what not...So do people at large actually think that a pretty woman is grey cell deficient???"
Her question manages to divert my attention from my wine!!!....No mean feat that, I assure you...
This sounds so much like the Chicken and Egg riddle....Did the dumb blond syndrome come to India with Vasco Da Gama??? Or is it India's bequest to the world along with Yoga and the Curry?

The Martians Have Landed !!!

God must have had a testosterone surge on Monday night...Because just as I was snuggling under my covers with a rather interesting book , the door bell rang and in walked three beaming martians. Well, whoever said trouble comes in threes definitely knew what he was talking about!!!
As far as outward appearances went, they looked like a trio of cheerful cherubs sans the harps, wings and halos. But the grizzled dame in the bell tower of my Venusian sixth sense wasn't fooled and began to clang her warning bells.
Don't get me wrong here. I am not a man hater nor one of those 'girly' women who is beset by fits of giggles and vapours in the presence of the opposite sex. Some of my best friends are men. But I am, first and foremost, a cranky crab and a true blue Venusian who likes some semblance of order and cleanliness in my living space. The cardinal rooming rules as far as I am concerned are:
Cups & plates belong in the kitchen sink, preferably with some water in it so that the stains do not set - The Exo Fairy does not hold a 9-5 job!!!....
Garbage, and that means even the teeniest tiniest scrap, belongs in the trash can & it goes without saying that the trash can needs to have a bag in it....
Lights switches are also subject to Newton's 3rd Law & demand an equal and opposite reaction namely 'Switch Off' .......
Loud animated conversations after 12 a.m. = baaaaad headache the next morning = DUMB idea.....
And most importantly, cigarette smoke does not qualify as fragrance of any kind - so, if you must smoke, open the goddamn windows!!!...
Unfortunately, ignorance is indeed bliss for quite a few martians from work and since our employee ratios are overwhelmingly skewed towards men, I do have the dubious responsibility of keeping the Venusian flag flying high from time to time, esp in the pad we inhabit.
To be fair, some of them are highly domesticated and serve as exemplary models of the New Age Man, but then, there also are those who insist on adhering to the stereotype!!
I debate calling my better half for some moral support but my eager fingers on phone are stayed by memories of the last time he came to my rescue. In response to my distress calls, my knight in the shining armour drove himself all the way to Bangalore and then, believe it or not, left me to watch my umpteenth rerun of an insipid Hindi movie while he took off with his best friend for a drink. And did he make amends when he got back?? Oh no, he didn't. He and the rest of the inebriated martians started a conversation which went on till 3 a.m., and then when hunger struck, decided to hit the roads in search of food!!! So nopes...This was most definitely the time for some girl power...
A short conversation with my alter ego, Kkay, and another friend is all it takes to awaken the warrior within. As I gird my loins in anticipation of skirmishes ahead, I can only hope that the cosmic hormonal balance is restored soon & peace, once more, descends in my pad....Fingers Crossed!!